SOMETHING IN THE WATER

Ed Friedman, the brilliant congregational systems thinker and author of Generation to Generation and Failure of Nerve, is one of my primary mentors.  I never knew Ed personally, but I have devoured his writing over the years, and listened to many of his lectures.  His thinking is deeply influential in the way that I approach congregational consultation.

One of the gems that I recall from one of his last lectures before he died was this:  He talked about a synagogue that was noted for bad relational habits by key members.  He went back to this place thirty years later and all the people who had behaved so badly had died or moved away.  It was now a whole new group of people, who did not know the former people at all.  And yet they were behaving in exactly the same ways.  It illustrated how people catch the habits of life within a congregational system, and how those habits can live from generation to generation, latching on to ever-changing issues and ever-changing people.  The dysfunction and conflicts are often not really about the issue du jour at all.  These bad habits simply look for issues, sometimes manufacture issues to which they can attach themselves and continue to live (and wreak havoc).

It is almost as if there is just 'something in the water' in certain congregations.

In days past, some churches actually thrived (in a perverse way) on conflict, gossip and meanness.  These churches became places where people could work out and live out their baser needs and dysfunctions. However, with the full dawning of the twenty-first century, many of the churches that tolerated and even thrived on bad relational DNA from generation to generation, are now meeting a generation that will no longer put up with silly drama.  In the twenty-first century, these churches are dropping like flies.  The choice is clear: its either deal with the junk and heal from the bad habits or watch the church spiral down to a place where ministry is no longer sustainable financially.

Is healing possible when the water is so poisoned?

I am convinced that the answer is YES.  Healing is not only possible - it is really not that hard to achieve.  The biggest step is simply for a church leadership group to decide that it's time for things to change. In a few sessions, if key leaders will commit to the conversation, a facilitator can help people to say all that is on their hearts and minds - and then to build a simple covenant of life together that names what to do when we are angry or when our feelings are hurt or when we hear or see others moving into bad habits.  In short, a church can build a set of agreed-upon protocols to nip bad behavior by positive peer pressure. This kind of process alongside a church-wide commitment to prayer, can work wonders.  Sometimes, the people who are unable to abide by the covenant, will get frustrated and withdraw.  In other cases, healthy leaders will come together to lovingly confront the trouble makers to say "enough is enough."  Once the bad behavior stops, then ministry will often thrive, and the church will grow, further minimizing the power of those who want to spoil the party.

Before long, its a new church, especially if there is a steady stream of new people trying to break into the place.  There will always be the danger of falling back into the old ways.  But its amazing how just shining a flashlight into the dark corners can make a wonderful difference.

That is what Advent and Christmas are about - light shining into the darkness.

Blessings to each of you in this season and in your work, shining light wherever you work and serve!  With Jesus, the future is bright.  Always.