REFLECTION ON MEANNESS IN CHURCHES

I have been hanging around at church for 55 years.  I was born a preacher's kid, and I have visited far in excess of 1000 churches across the years.  So I think I have a little perspective.  I am able to say with some accuracy: theology is no predictor of meanness (or kindness) in a congregation.  The spirit of meanness seems to be an equal opportunity visitor - afflicting some of the most conservative and some of the most liberal congregations in America.  It comes out in different ways - sometimes in rude interactions, and just as often in passive ways.  Christian congregations can be some of the meanest places on earth - and some of the most grace-filled.  And often, we are talking about the same church!

My dad served a church in the 1950s where the people got into a fight at a church meeting and threw chairs at one another in the fellowship hall.  A kid had to go call the police. I heard this story growing up, and assumed that this was just a quirk related to a rough and tumble church of poor white folks in Fort Worth.  But, the years have revealed that with education and a little money, the only difference is that we stop throwing chairs.  Nothing else changes.

For centuries now, rude and mean Christians have been repellants, keeping a lot of good people out of churches. When I was 18 years old, I recall visiting a couple, inactive members in the church where I grew up.  I invited them to come back to church.  The lady told me, "There are hypocrites in that church."  To which (without losing a beat), I replied, "So we need you there all the more!" They were back the next Sunday.

But all these years later, now that I am the age she was when she said that about the hypocrites.  And I sympathize with her.  There are days when I would just rather take a long time-out from organized church.

Please understand that I am not talking here about denominational fights - we can reserve that for another column.  I am talking about bad behavior in the local church. Regardless of what side you might be on in the denominational controversy du jour, there is an equal chance that you are dealing with inappropriate meanness in your local congregation.

We live in a somewhat grace-less age - at least in our public discourse.  And this gracelessness can spill into local churches.  But I don't think you can blame the church meanness phenomenon simply on the current political tone. The political climate may accentuate it.  But long before the current era, they were throwing the folding chairs in the fellowship hall in southeast Fort Worth.  Long before they invented folding metal chairs, Paul seems to have observed meanness in the church at Corinth.

I think it’s a really critical issue for us today, because our children are far less likely to put up with it.  It takes little more than a good sneeze to blow millennials out of regular participation in organized religion.  People have zero patience for bad behavior at church.  It will kill a church these days.

So what can be done about this?

1. Covenants among church leaders, naming the ways we will treat one another and honor one another - are essential.  Each church's leader community should make and update their leader covenant annually.

 2. Interventions.  Two persons going to visit a sister or a brother, when the covenant is breached - to say, "We love you, and this behavior is not good, not for you, not for us.  Let's find a better way."  That takes guts.  You might hurt someone's feelings - but chances are good that you will help to create a safe space for many others, who will soon be 'out of here' unless someone does something to reign in the crazy.

 

3. Honor kindness and graciousness.  And empower the persons who exhibit that.  In most churches, along side the mis-behaving ones are some of the most gracious people in our lives.  Empower graciousness.  Allow it to lead, and even to intimidate the rest of us.

And, I might add, appeal to the better instincts of the people who often mis-behave.  They can do better.  In many cases, they have done better.  In some cases, their own children and spouses have not seen the ugly side they reveal in church business. (Or they may have to live with it every day!!)  But, refrain from the temptation to demonize people - rather, hold them accountable to their better selves. 

And sometimes, such accountability means a long time-out from church leadership.